Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
You Might Also Like
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
#parenting
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.