Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
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Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.