@iinkedZombie

Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.

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@ColeNoorda

(Dec. 31)
I’m going to eat healthier

(Jan. 1)
Why does McDonald’s breakfast close so early?

@FattMernandez

I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.

@ParisZarcilla

So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.

@david8hughes

Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.

@internetluke

[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really

@OhNoSheTwitnt

🎶 You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout, I’m telling you why. Life gets worse when you’re an adult. 🎶

@enigmaterics

I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.

In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.

@briangaar

“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM