I’m going to eat healthier
Why does McDonald’s breakfast close so early?
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
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Some women have mood swings… others have mood theme parks.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
🎶 You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout, I’m telling you why. Life gets worse when you’re an adult. 🎶
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM