Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.

I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.

Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor

Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous

Water buffalo: Who?

P: That beautiful flamingo over there.

WB: Go talk to her.

P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.

WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…

WB/P: …not a Pelicant.

Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”

*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”

why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce

I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.

My 8 year old already knows what it’s like to be an adult because he was playing with his Rubik’s Cube and said, “I’ve gotten to the part where I don’t know what I am doing”

I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.

I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich

Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?

Me: After lunch, next question.

Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.

Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved

New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”

* asks plastic surgeon

” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”

If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.

We take our 40% off sale seriously at

My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”

– How was school?

4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions

– laughs
– oh honey

– nobody would name their kid Trenton

I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……

inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.

getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.

The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.

[DATE]

ME: I’m a literature buff

HER: who do you read?

ME: read?

*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*

If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.

I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.

whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese

Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.

Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.

me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred