Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

oh so when Moo Deng bites people and falls over she’s “a social media sensation” but when I do it I am “bringing a weird energy to my coworker’s gender reveal party”

Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*

Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*

Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.

[loses house key, starts a new life]

[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*

Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely

Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?

Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”

Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*

Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?

Me: Not really, I’m stuffed

Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check

Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.

Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.

Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?

Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15

Me: look I know I’m a wreck

Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days

me:

cop: also you hit 26 cars

I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.

I wanted something with no strings attached.

it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us

Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.

Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.

Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.

Typos are dangerous, you guys.

My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years

ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.

Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”

I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…

… and that world peace thing.

I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.

There are 2 kinds of parents

“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”

and

“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”

I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way

Can I donate fat instead of blood?

If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns

Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.

Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me

Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more