Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
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I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Me, reading some of your tweets
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
*puts words between two asterisks*
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of the sleeve on my cardigan, which is covered in small balls of thread. I’ve been charged with grievous bobbly arm 😔
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.