Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
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“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
The way my parents talk about their new cat, you’d think they didn’t already have 3 kids and 4 grandkids.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Beauty and the Beast
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
⚰
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.