Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
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– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
do you think my neighbors will mind if i make their outside xmas decorations look better
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Me: I’ll never do that again
Me 5 minutes later: Agains
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.