Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
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When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
two bros having a conversation in the 1700s like “omg we should totally start a pamphlet”
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Thanks to modern recycling technology you can now throw away the same Pottery Barn catalog 2000 times.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Just started an episode of 30 Rock and said to my 4-month old baby “this brand of comedy is important to this family so please pay attention.”
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”
-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
It’s not my job to police the internet, but I just saw someone post a recipe for cauliflower cookies and reported them for harmful content.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
smh
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.