Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
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That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Salad was likely invented after someone picked everything they didn’t like out of their meal and put it on a separate plate.
I forgot take my phone to the bathroom, so I had to start an argument about politics with the guy in the stall next to me
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.