Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
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When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.