me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
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Those who believe in only 12.5% of the bible are eighthiests.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Church Pugh’s
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
britney spears working at an ice cream shop called scoops i did it again.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
A short story of betrayal:
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit