me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
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Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
I’ve got the longest to do list for today, just need to figure out who is going to do it
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Being a parent:
Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away Anything, Ever. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican druglord ….
Hahahahahahahaah.