Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
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[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand