Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
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I’ve named my couch American Idle.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
A friend helps you before you need it
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby