me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
My Parenting Wrapped 2024 includes 525600 minutes of not being listened to
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
