Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
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My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
hey, alexa
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake