Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
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Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
bury ourselves
You should be able to google why a couple broke up
I don’t always push on pull doors but when I do, I do it two or three times to confirm how dumb I really am.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.