Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.

Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?

“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”

“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”

In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal

Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]

Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes

My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.

Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?

Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.

Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.

Carl: Perfect weather tonight.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.

Me: Fair enough.

Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.

My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.

My term for the other half is “breakfast”.

Person: so, how are we today?

Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks

I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.

if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too

I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.

If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.

New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?

Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.

*Tweets funniest tweet ever

*Dies laughing

*Over 6 billion die laughing

*Germany and Russia survive

*Coz nobody left to explain the joke

When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?

My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.

a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”

Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.

Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.

Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry

Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.

Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.

professor x: whats your superpower

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle