Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time

game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]

[pulled over]

Cop: Have you been drinking?

Me: No

Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on

My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.

What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed

Dumplings,

After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.

DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…

“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.

Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.

What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead

me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you

I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”

My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.

[at a chemistry convention]

Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”

Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”

[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent

[ gets death tarot card ]

me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad

blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad

Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.

6-year-old: Santa’s not real.

Me: That’s right.

6: So I can be bad.

Me: That’s wrong.

Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv

It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??

me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets

me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets

me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets

uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage

Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds

Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭

[riding crowded elevator]

Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make

Jeez Louise: five

“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.

I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.

“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”

“So you don’t end up like me”

“What, awesome?”

“Alright fine, no school today”

I hope google does well on my son’s test

Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?