me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
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I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
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“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
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911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY