Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: what big eyes you have!

Me: what big nose you have!

Me: what big teeth you have!

Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?

Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.

Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.

[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?

[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?

Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol

Fellow senior citizens:

If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.

You don’t need to push your lifealert button.

No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.

I was being a giraffe.

The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)

teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle

me: that thing with the harp and wings

teacher: never mind

“Honey the baby is crowning!”

*Lifts up hospital gown*

“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”

waiter: how do you want your eggs?

me: yellow

sam: i’m telling you

I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”

To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.

(Watching Hocus Pocus with my kids for the first time)

Twinzer: Dad, what’s a virgin?

Me: uh… someone from Virginia

My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.

My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars

I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved

my dentist & his assistant stare gleefully at me, waiting for me to sign the document that would give them the legal authority to install an extra row of teeth in my mouth just like sharks have

In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.

My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.

*working in hospital with med student*

me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals

med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals

me: no the crystals are in their urine

med student: oooh so like harming crystals

me: correct

I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up

There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.

Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message

I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.

I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…

Now I have kenny logins.

#dangerzone

[6 month dentist visit]

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Me: Every 6 months

I am a genie. I grant you three wi—

Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!

My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?