Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor

Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.

Kid: *from the back seat* Daddy, when a snowflake gets made, how does one side know what the other side looks like?

Me: It’s because…holy shit

Kid: You just ran that stop sign

Me: Shut up give me a second

I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.

[First day as a crime scene photographer]

Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”

If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle

[2045]

The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.

I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.

I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.

You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is

Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.

It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”

A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”

A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”

Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.

Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.

Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.

Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.

Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?

[Opens a beer at the park]

“Dude. There’s kids here.”

Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER

If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’

[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.

[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenade

SARGE: mine

ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade

When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.

We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.

There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?

-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!

[first day as a flight attendant]

Pilot: tell them we’re descending

Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN

Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic

Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER

GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?

MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…

GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?

[jungle]

Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.

Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.

I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.

Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*

9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?

*kicks the door in*

PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR

i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.

[Ferrari dealership]

ME: How much for this red one?

SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny

ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*

SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!

Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.