Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?

(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.

(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.

I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”

I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.

why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford

Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.

Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.

*interview for new roommate*

Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.

And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold

Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]

We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.

The right person will know this subtweet is about them.

Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.

4yo as he’s falling asleep: Mom, when I’m a grown up and have my own house, will you come live with me?

Me: of course, bud.

4yo: Good, because I’m going to need a lot of help taking care of the snakes.

The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.

I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.

Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?

Son: No.

Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.

It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.

BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys

HEART: yay!

ANXIETY: idk about this

INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one

As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.

Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.

My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails

[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here

Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions

I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.

baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold

mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear

Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.

me: ever heard of quasimodo

him: doesn’t ring a bell

me: i assure you he does