me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
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Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
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Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
it may seem bad right now, but at least everyone is armed. and completely unhinged.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
i wish we could shoplift online
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.