Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
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My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
there should be a tented fingers emoji. for when you’re feeling ruminative
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?