Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Press Conference*

Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole

Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable

Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro

Not today.. 😂

Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:

Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan air

Where does it end?

Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots

Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.

The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*

Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit

People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.

I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.

For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.

Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no

What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.

So Ravenclaw.

My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are

If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting

Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.

Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.

Me: no just-just one.

Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.

Me: uh what?

Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.

Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*

i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”

not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately

Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.

Roses are red
Violets are blue…

One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.

Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.

This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.

My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.

I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!

i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day

Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.

It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens

I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.

Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.

Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.

Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.