Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: You’re wanted for murder

Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?

Cop: What?

Me: Huh?

My body is like my phone battery. Usually drained by 4pm.

“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”

[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]

“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”

i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th

Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History

Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.

Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*

Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!

Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop

I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.

[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.

Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies

Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows

On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”

JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene

*rolls grocery cart into open house*

Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*

An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*

While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.

Anyone else think it’s weird how cancer kills more people than any other astrological sign

The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.

Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar

Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.

“Do you want to hold my baby?”

Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.

My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.

humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out

Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”

I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese

Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.

One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.

Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.

Fantasy? Doctor Strange.

Sleep aid? Eternals.

i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁

Me: hi 🙂

Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???