Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Grandma jumped in front of my client.”
-Reindeer lawyer

[marriage counseling]

Ginny- He always hides from our problems.

Therapist- Is this true?

Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.

If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’

I am not telling the truth.

Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine

7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you

I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.

listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time

It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.

I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.

said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it

Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight

I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.

Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.

My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.

Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.

Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”

DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.

Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*

Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.

[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years

Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.

Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck

Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.

Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.

Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.

There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.

She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.

I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.

It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.

If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.

“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney

“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done

Kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher

I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.

“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene