Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: ow I just cut my finger

Me: ouch

Friend: can u put a bandaid on it

Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp

Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!

Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?

Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.

I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.

This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.

Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?

Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill

Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.

“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”

Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C

I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.

You can’t make this shit up 😩

(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)

Waitress: any questions about the menu?

Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?

My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.

My mom says if I’m a good boy, I can be the captain of the gravy boat at Thanksgiving this year.

I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.

I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.

Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today

*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples

Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”

Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”

ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.

They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.

Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat

Schrödinger: Or do I?

Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?

Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants

Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof

ME: *gets down on one knee*

HER: omg

ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome

How do stick men play fetch with their dog?

Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.

It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.

I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.

Only 10 more days til Halloween!