Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”

*starts driving*

“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”

dutch so unserious

Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.

Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.

Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.

I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.

-people that are about to start ugly crying

having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse

Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.

Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.

if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape

Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”

old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame

Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.

Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?

Farmer: Sure

Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all

Farmer:

an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube

it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware

My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”

I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.

my powerpoints are getting increasingly desperate as the semester goes on

her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes

Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.

Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah

currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart

[HIGH SCHOOL]

teacher: you’ll use calculus one day

[AGE 40]

me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know

I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”

masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?

A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves

I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.

My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.

I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!