Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]

Fred: MY DAUGHTER!

Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?

Me: Chloroform

coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm

I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake

wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen

michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe

I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people

*alien probing me

Me: Ok a little to the left

Alien: I SAID STOP THAT

“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?

My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.

If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.

If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!

Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.

I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.

*Dog begging for chocolate bar*

“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”

*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*

it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items

When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot

Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.

Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?

Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.

Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.

Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely

Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?

the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery

Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.

happy valentine’s day to me

I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.

I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register

the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times

marketing people:

If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.

Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan

You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.

Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.