Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*

If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.

Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.

[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders

I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.

ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help

Yoga Matt

Obituaries should have clickbait titles

her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin

me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard

People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.

Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit

Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs

Them: you smell nice

Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve

Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.

Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.

Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.

While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.

My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.

Me: I can’t sleep

My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now

Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow

My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.

Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.

A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.

[graduation]

…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*

[crowd cries]

*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”

I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair

We’re currently showing our home & still living there.

My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”

I preheated the oven to make dinner.

We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.

My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.

“Have kids,” they said.

I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.

amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday

I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?