Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive

I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.

I think about this a lot

what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry

Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?

Me: The arrival of the paramedics?

Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.

Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*

Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.

MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.

ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.

[meanwhile in ufo]

ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?

DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.

*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*

“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”

Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.

[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now

(Job interview)

“How would you describe yourself?”

I’m very vague

“Ok, can you be more specific?”

No

I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?

“Can I get a umm…”

-every person ever at the drive thru

I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.

“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.

“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”

Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.

Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers

Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.

Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!

Me: You’re right. *walks away*

Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna

I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!

The dog came third.

My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”

Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer

Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text

ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.

Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham

I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.

advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden

90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.