Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.

If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.

[The next day]

Andrew Ridgeley: So did she wake you up before she went went

George Michael: She woke me up before she went went

?¿

I never understood why chefs wear white.

I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.

The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️

[portal opens]

dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!

gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-

dark lord: not now gary

HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.

i have one speed and it’s mosey

Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2

Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door

My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.

Me: Dishwasher’s broken.

16: I’m sorry.

Me: Did you break it?

16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”

Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.

My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol

My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth

A couple walks toward me with their dog, a Briard. Of course they want me to ask about the dog. I pretend I don’t speak English.

Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.

Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.

Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.

If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.

Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”

Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”

*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*

*Plot Twist*

Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.

Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.

There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.

me: what’s the best way to get healthy?

doctor: diet and exercise

me: what’s the next best?

them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait

Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.

me: i want a girlfriend so badly

them: u have to start going on dates

me: seems excessive