Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor

5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you

me: excuse me what

5yo: I can smell more things

7yo: ohh with his nose

5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old

me: wow

Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.

It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.

*carrying dog*

Clerk: no pets allowed

Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.

C: You tried that last week.

M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!

Breaking news:

Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells

Wife: Who. Was. She

The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.

Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*

ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.

CO-PILOT: …What?

Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump

2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.

Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.

I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that time I ate 30 pickles
– the rash I got looked like Alaska
– I am allergic to pickles

[interview]

“How would you describe your people skills?”

ME: I tend to drive others away.

“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”

I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car

GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!

Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long

Me: yeah that was on purpose

Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?

14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.

The end.

Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!

Band: *plays Freebird*

Me: Well that backfired.

you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.

Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.

HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.

ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.

[first day as marriage counselor]

HER: we’re trying to have a baby

ME: ok I’ll step outside

Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.

Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.

[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,

I took biscuits with me on a date once.

She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.

I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.