When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
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The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered