Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
me: can’t wait to get that stimulus check
friend: you’re literally just gonna spend it all on useless shit
me: [cancelling order of 4680 candy canes] have you no faith in me
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Apparently “cheesecake & tacos” wasn’t the answer the interviewer was looking for when he asked me what my weaknesses are.
Meth, because teeth are annoying.
*hears suspicious noise in backyard, is too lazy to get up & investigate*
*smells cookies baking at neighbors house, immediately goes over*
People who call the Bible a fairy tale forget that in fairy tales everyone lives happily ever after.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.