me: can’t wait to get that stimulus check

friend: you’re literally just gonna spend it all on useless shit

me: [cancelling order of 4680 candy canes] have you no faith in me

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Waiter: Did we decide?

Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.

Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.


Apparently “cheesecake & tacos” wasn’t the answer the interviewer was looking for when he asked me what my weaknesses are.


*hears suspicious noise in backyard, is too lazy to get up & investigate*

*smells cookies baking at neighbors house, immediately goes over*


People who call the Bible a fairy tale forget that in fairy tales everyone lives happily ever after.


Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.

– Dog Logic


Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart

Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news

Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*


can’t see: birdbox

can’t talk: a quiet place

can’t touch: this


“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant


No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.