Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do

Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?

Clarissa didn’t explain this at all

if I’m ever found dead in the woods, it’s probably because I was trying to pet a bear.

[first mma fight]

me: Pikachu I choose you!

Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle

me: *throws rat taped to a taser*

whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.

The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way

Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5

I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,

disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?

disciple 2: his dad owns the company

Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!

Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train

Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist

Anyway, thought of you

I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.

I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time

[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE

A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.

don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to

I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco

If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.

Are we done? Can we go?

-A memoir.

These 3D printers are insane!

Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?

Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?

Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.

Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”

Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”

My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.

Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.

People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……

I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.

I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.

Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two

When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.