Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.

You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears

That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs

We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.

Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?

Me: No, I do.

Him: I’m a morning person

Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??

Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo

hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield

Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?

It’s been a while since I’ve done online dating but where do you put your daily supplemental fiber intake on your profile

They must have gotten it to go.

Cop: Do you know how fast-

Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”

Cop: …Sir is that your son

Me: I don’t have a son

Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…

You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!

Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.

Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.

Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL

38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out

It’s the ORDER of mankind’s accomplishments that fascinate me. In 1969, we put men on the moon. In 1970, we put wheels on luggage.

“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here

[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards

BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.

breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!

I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)

Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.

In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.

It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.

I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch

In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me

Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’

So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”

…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.

My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.

In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.

My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.