Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
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I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Nobody likes a complainer but they’re needed for a functioning society. You know how humanity gets compared to frogs in boiling water and everything is getting bad so gradually we won’t even notice? Not if I’m around
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Nurse: *places newborn in my arms*
Me: *has misplaced my coffee cup every morning for the last 9 yrs* I can do this.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day