Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
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hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
I have questions??
just got on my email and unsubscribed from a bakery that i bought a cake from 3 years ago. after unsubscribing they sent another email saying ‘are you sure a friend didn’t unsubscribe you by mistake’? how often is that situation happening.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
i want enemies
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.