Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.

“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat

When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.

“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters

I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.

Brb taking my potted plant for a walk

“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”

[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars

me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?

The sun really clocks out for the day before I do that’s insane

Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*

If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?

I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.

I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.

I just walked by my manager, I’m carrying a drill and a fire extinguisher. He just shook his head and kept walking. He doesn’t even ask anymore. That’s growth.

Dear waiter,

You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.

Love,
David

If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.

I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?

*meeting an actual guy*

Him: Who’s your team?

Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants

Our dachshund swallowed a slinky. You should see him going down the stairs.

English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.

Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.

But I don’t like to point fingers.

All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…

excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me

I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.

i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell

Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.

Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.

My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing

Is your refrigerator running?

Because I might vote for it.