@fro_vo

ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane

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@BoomBoomBetty

Me: Do that thing I like

Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]

@ImABaconDonut

5: I went potty.
Me: Did you remember to wipe this time?
5: No.
Me: Why?
5: It’s faster my way.

I don’t know how to counter that argument.

@BlindChow

You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”

– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters

@jdforshort

Apparently it’s frowned upon to wipe sweat from the brow of a sexy guy at the gym

Who knew

@notalogin

*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!

@bobvulfov

me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again

@Shade510

I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.

@shelbyfero

“Make it two if you count my great personality – three if we include my charm! Hahahahaha oh um yes it’s a table for one.”

@Skoog

McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?

Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?

McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again