ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
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October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Very problematic
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.