Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
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5: I went potty.
Me: Did you remember to wipe this time?
5: It’s faster my way.
I don’t know how to counter that argument.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”
– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Apparently it’s frowned upon to wipe sweat from the brow of a sexy guy at the gym
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
“Make it two if you count my great personality – three if we include my charm! Hahahahaha oh um yes it’s a table for one.”
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again