ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
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why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
I just got an email saying ‘At Google earth we can read maps backwards!’
I thought, “That’s just spam.”
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.