If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
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FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Seems kinda suspicious
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”