Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
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If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Deciding which personality is going to respond to an email
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
*looks at you in batman voice*
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it