Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
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It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith