Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?

Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.

That’s just how Julius Caesar.

From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.

Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”

The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.

*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]

Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.

Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?

gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv

me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*

*at 5’s “restaurant”*

5: What can I get for you?

Me: Tacos.

5: We’re not Italian.

Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.

5: We’re Mexican.

Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?

5: We don’t have tacos.

I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.

TRICERATOPS: I have three horns

QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen

My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.

People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.

[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice

Hoping for an open bar at the toddler birthday, but I have cash just in case.

why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this

one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries

Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.

[straw house]

Wolf: [big inhale]

[gun cock from inside]

Wolf: [soft exhale]

call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.

Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”

“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease

professor x: tell me more, tell me more

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.

We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.

[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]

Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.

*crowd gasps

Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.

Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?

I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.

Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.