Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your honor these allegations are

Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?

‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it

ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater

Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?

Me: hey want to go to sushi?

Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?

Me: well I’m down for a date if you are

Her: I only want to be friends

Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool

A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.

When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.

(Me to my fridge)

wise man 1:

wise man 2:

wise man 3:

me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts

wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—

me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??

[Home invasion]

Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married

*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”

if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi

I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.

therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?

satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”

therapist: that’s not so bad

satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”

One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.

when a toddler tells a story

Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.

The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.

Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.

Him: You seem super chill.

Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.

lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian

Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal

Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.

I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good

I can’t wait to sleep in

My bladder: lmao

*me almost finished with a chore*

Husband: Here, let me do that.

I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.