Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
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a haunted house but in every room someone is asking you to say a little something about yourself
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Have kids, they said
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Spring cleaning checklist…
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Go girl power!
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?