Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
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6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Only short people can save us
Girls don’t want boys. Girls want the 12-foot skeleton from Home Depot.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
The kids were asking me what time they were all born and I said the youngest was born at 1:29am, and they all agreed that it must have been nice that she just came out while I was sleeping.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod