Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.

Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.

Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.

Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.

Elephant Son: What is?

That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.

OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG

‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.

‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.

Harry: Want to see a magic trick?

Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.

Harry: Got your nose!

Voldemort: You know I hate that game.

*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?

“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber

Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.

As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from

~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day

When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.

Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.

My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume

I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ

No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.

Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.

[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]

HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!

My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.

bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*

me: thanks

bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*

me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!

Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!

*undresses on the run like Superman*

Be right up!

*stands naked in doorway*

Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi

7 year old: two of the boys at school were executed for fighting

me: you mean ‘expelled’?

7 year old: I’m pretty sure about this one, dad

You think your wife is crazy now?

Try divorcing her

A friend helps you before you need it

I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.

*hears giggling kids

7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!

Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?

Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]

If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?

Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!

I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.

You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.