Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.

To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?

ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough

If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.

My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them

Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?

Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands

Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.

Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?

[wine class]

Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?

ME: wine

Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?

ME: nope, still wine

Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.

[fancy restaurant]

JESUS: what do you do for a living

DATE: I’m a pilot

JESUS: *narrows eyes*

You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely

Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning

What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?

A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.

My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.

I see where she gets it from.

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people

I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.

[at an umpire’s funeral]

me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?

mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!

Professor X: So what’s your power?

Me: I can heal immediately-

X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.

Me: -from any emotional wounds.

X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.

Me: I’m completely ok with that.

I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.

earth: I’m dying

humans: I’m sorry you feel that way

9-year-old: No one can read my diary.

Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.

9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.

Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually

ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.

I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.

-me to my barber

Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.

GOD: Done.

ANGEL: What is it?

GOD: An ostrich.

ANGEL: So it can fly, right?

GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.

ANGEL: I think you need a break dude

SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox