Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies

How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?

Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.

Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard

Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.

“NO SHIT!”

~Urinals

I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.

As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’

This sounds more like an accusation than a question.

Covid like

I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.

You had me at “define legal”.

Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.

So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!

What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?

Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.

eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots

Do you know who REALLY gets irony?

Skydiving schools.

Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!

*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*

HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.

you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed

THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog

ME: Ok

[next week]

THERAPIST: Well?

ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog

Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE

Me: My Lord will protect me

Muggers: Haha, right-

Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS

3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep

Me: your body needs sleep to grow

3yo: but I’m already growed

Me: how do you think I got so big

3yo: by eating

Me:

This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.

The cheapest way to fly is off the handle

“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool

Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.

Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.

When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.

dads on road-trips be like