Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.

My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.

Employee: please stop

Me: I’m just finding the right avocado

Employee: people usually just squeeze it

Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?

I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.

First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?

[friend being eaten by a bear]

*screaming violently*

Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!

I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

Woman: I love a man with an accent

Mán: Well hello there

Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.

Are we done? Can we go?

-A memoir.

im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…

Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?

OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!

*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*

Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.

a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables

Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.

Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…

Then I threw clock at her face.

My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.

It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing

🙂🙃🥹

6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.

My first day of student teaching my pants zipper broke. I stapled that bad boy shut… carefully.

Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]

I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs

*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*

Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.

The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.

Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.

“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping