ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
You Might Also Like
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?