ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
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[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?