Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.

Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password

You’re welcome

my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas

WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer

[abruptly stops speaking in tongues] Oh the exorcism is for ME?

My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.

I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality

Husband: Want to go for a run?

Me: You know I don’t run.

Also me: *sees a food truck and takes off running*

I never knew an entire box of cereal was a serving size until I had a teenage son.

stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay

Before I check out of a hotel, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb

I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific

Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.

My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.

It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.

Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.

Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.

picking up knife:

picking up knife in movie: *SHING*

If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.

This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.

If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?

Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.

The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini

Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.

Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”

[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.

*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3

*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!

god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up

Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.

Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.

Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.

Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.