Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
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Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!
Also me: *lives alone*
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.