Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
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The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Judges are so childish. Oh, you’re angry so you’re going to slam your little hammer on the table?
Grow up
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
