Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
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Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
#growingpains
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
God tier horse name today on the sims
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down