Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.

Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked

I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair

I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge

My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”

Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi

Mother: We named you after my father

Me: Yeah, I understand how time works

I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.

Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?

I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.

Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.

Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!

Friend: cool

Me: yeah even blood

Friend: um I gotta go

Me: lol no you’re staying

I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.

My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.

I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.

It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.

8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?

me: wut

8:

me: OH hush puppies?

8: oh. Yea

*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.

{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd

Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….

ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species

PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!

Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.

“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now

yeah nice try. not falling for that again

Wife: could you just run to the-

Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT

Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.

Interviewer: How do you define success?

Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.

“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.