Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.

The “baby” on the left….

Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?

I 100% subscribe to this philosophy

I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.

it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed

[me as a drug dealer]

Me: wanna buy some acid?

Guys: yeah, whaddya got?

Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic

Guys: (stab me repeatedly)

When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.

You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.

Aliens: take us to your leader

Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you

Whoops

Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.

interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?

[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath

To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.

“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama

So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.

It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.

What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs

Was just called down to Human Resources.

Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.

I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.

If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.

Me: Not today, Satan.

Her: Mom, stop calling me that.

Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.

P L E E Z

T O D A Y

N E E D U

S U I N G ✅

Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”

friend: wanna see a magic trick

person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you

Said hello to someone, they didn’t hear me, immediately assumed it was some sort of sixth sense situation

Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper

Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?