Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”

Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.

Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.

Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.

7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead

It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”

Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it’s really like 2 cupcakes so I’m fine with it.

[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really

DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight

KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?

DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea

i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert

Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.

Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.

I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.

“Babe I’m ready for bed”

“Why so early its the weekend?”

[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”

Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.

Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.

Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.

My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.

Wife: Go out for breakfast?

Me: Sure!

Wife: Ok, let me shower first.

*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*

Me: Where should we have lunch?

Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.

REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.

My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.

*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*

I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.

My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING

My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.

Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,

Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.

Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.

Dune (2021)

Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice

If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean

Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.

Me: Can you take off the avocado?

Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.