[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
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My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Please, I am begging you.
Stop looking at weird sh*t on your company-issued laptops.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
“Kids, it’s time to choose, more berries or a bed to sleep in?”
“MORE BERRIES!”
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.