Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
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diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
imagine asking a blind girl out in braille & she leave you on felt
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
guy who strips completely naked before starting a fight with the menswear guy
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
wdym don’t shoot the messenger? take responsibility for your career choices
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
my mom making me talk to relatives
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
knights of the ikea table