Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

being in love will have you put your pride aside and go to places you never thought you would, like new jersey

If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all

I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.

[tsunami approaching]

guy: RUN

me: wait why is the T silent

Picking up women at the bar and then gently setting them down

Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.

Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”

you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type

Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?

Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.

Oompa Loompa: We need a union…

reminder

Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.

I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.

I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast

never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them

People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next

If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.

We all know that communication is the key.

So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.

I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.

Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?

longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind

Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?

Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation

Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?

COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it

Me: Babe, I got carded today!

Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.

If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman

We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex

I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!

Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”

Cop: Pull over

Me: you cold bro?

I did NOT need to see this today!!!!

Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis