Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First Date]

Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)

Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome

Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-

Guy: *grazing*

I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.

“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit

Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe

me: congrats on running that marathon.

her: thanks. I’m still sore.

me: because you didn’t win?

her:

I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.

And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?

Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.

Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.

Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.

My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.

Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.

“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.

Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.

Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.

You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked

me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why

dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection

No I don’t watch TikToks, I watch Instagram reels of Tiktok videos that were popular two weeks ago, like a grown up

[Death row]

Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.

It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.

Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information

Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.

I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.

It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.

FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that

im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it

One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.

[Invention of the airplane]

Wilbur: We’re ready

Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working

Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?

Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go

#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women

Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”

Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”