Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
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Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.