@KylePlantEmoji
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
@Darlainky
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
@laurastead
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
@Jacksawyerr
Sorry I dropped your baby and tried to catch it with my foot.
@CAshmanActor
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
@carlielyn
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
@clichedout
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
@LuvPug
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
@LackOfShame
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
@TweetPotato314
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
@StarWarsProblms
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*