Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
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The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.