me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
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And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
im not a nepo baby, im a REPO baby. and i’m seizing your car! UPDATE: i acknowledge my father’s role as Head Repo Man and how that has awarded me certain privileges in my career. I am learning and growing. no you cannot have your car back
i was dropped as an adult
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now