me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
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Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Covert ops
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Me, picking my son up from zillion dollar camp: “What was the best part of your day?”
Him: “When you took us to the car wash”
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
My attitude hurts, I’m going to bed
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door