ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
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that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
Someone once threw some herbs in my eyes. It didn’t blind me but I’m now parsley sighted.
You heard.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
ME: He had poise, grace and confidence, but without arrogance.
WIFE: Did you really think the zoo wouldn’t notice a missing peacock?
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode