Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.

Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.

[first day on a new job]

Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.

Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.

If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.

When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.

[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?

it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut

*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.

That’s what I call a flat tire

[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago

What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?

“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?

Whatever it is, I’m that

Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus

Me: Waiter, check please!

Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.

Me: Thank you.

[my first day as a 911 operator]

*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy

Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.

Me: Then what?

Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.

Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.

Wonders if chickens do the funky people.

[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*

That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.

[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badly

ME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex

Drugs don’t ruin lives

Drug tests do

If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now

I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people

SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!

No one:

Me: Is my body still under warranty?

I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.

[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]

Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful

“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before

All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.

I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.

What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?