ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
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As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
😂😂
What the hell is going on?
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Facebook memories be like
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Can’t. Being lazy.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
A game married people play.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming