Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is there a sale on stupidity, cause that shit is everywhere.

What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone

*hears dogs bark*

“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”

I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips

my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters

This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day

me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight

me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding

The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.

Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated

Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.

There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.

“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches

‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.

‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.

A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.

A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.

I’m here all week😬

I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.

Stop everything. Everybody shut up

There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no

I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.

me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏

Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.

[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd

My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.

I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire

wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again

If you think about it, technically corn dogs are just Beef Wellington in a different tax bracket.

Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?

Wife: Well, it wa….

Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes

A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).

I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.

i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.

I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.

Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.

I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.