Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA

They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.

[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.

The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…

the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE

“Failure is how you grow.”

– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote

*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*

“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”

*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking

When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”

Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.

“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.

My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.

not sure why we don’t use this thing more often

Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.

I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.

I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns

I love twitter

“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”

– idiots

Something Saturday.

My flight did not give out free water so I asked for a glass of ice instead and documented the journey to a free water

Checkmate, Allegiant

me: im depressed

therapist: try a good walk

me: will that work

therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*

The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.

Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT

Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car

They say college doesn’t prepare you for real life but it taught me how to get vomit out of practically anything and as a parent that’s literally my most valuable skill

So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?

[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine

-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.

If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.