me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
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On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much
*hands doctor a pee sample*
“Here you go doctor, you said I needed to do a urine test”
DOCTOR: “No, I said a hearing test”
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
